She waited, but he didn’t say anything about how a man like Ryan could be interested in her. Obviously he hadn’t changed his mind on that one. He didn’t see the problem and she wasn’t going to explain it to him.
“Are you angry?” he asked.
She shook her head. “It’s late. Let’s go.”
The drive back to Ryan’s was silent. Cassie saw Joel darting her little glances as he tried to assess her mood. Part of her felt guilty for being angry with him, while the rest of her felt it was justified. She didn’t understand what was going on or what she was feeling. She just knew she wanted things to be different.
When they pulled into the driveway of the old Victorian house, he put the car in Park and looked at her. “Do you want me to walk you to the door?” he asked, his tone cautious.
She shook her head. “Don’t worry about it.”
He leaned close and kissed her cheek. “I had a good time tonight. I hope we can get together soon. I miss you.”
The streetlight didn’t offer much illumination and she could barely make out his familiar features. Do you really miss me? But she only thought the question instead of asking it. She wasn’t sure anymore.
“Why don’t you ever just take me?” she asked suddenly.
“Take you where?”
She nearly groaned in frustration. “Sex, Joel. I’m talking about sex. We never do more than kiss and most of those are chaste. Don’t you ever want to rip my clothes off and do it right here in the car?”
He glanced at the narrow bucket seats, then at her. “There’s not much room.”
She made a low strangled sound in her throat. “Never mind.”
But he grabbed her arm before she could reach for the door handle. “What’s going on? Are you unhappy with me or the relationship?”
“I don’t know.”
He stared at her. “I thought this is what we both wanted. I thought we agreed to take things slowly.”
“It’s been nine years. You’ve never even touched my breasts. Does that seem natural to you?”
Joel shifted until he faced front. He tightly gripped the steering wheel. “I respect you. Of course I’ve thought about us…well…being together…that way. After we’re married. I am more than just my animal passions. I thought you were, too.”
She ignored the judgment inherent in his comment. “Not all the time. Sometimes I want to be swept away and I’ve always wanted you to be the one doing the sweeping. Please, Joel.”
He swallowed hard. “Please what?” He sounded faintly panicked.
“Just kiss me like you mean it. Please.”
“All right.”
He turned toward her and drew in a breath. They reached for each other, but their arms tangled, and with the awkward angle, not to mention the hand brake between them, they couldn’t find a comfortable position. Finally Cassie simply grabbed the front of his jacket and hauled him close.
“Kiss me,” she ordered.
He pressed his mouth to hers. She angled her head and parted her lips. He neither moved more nor responded to the invitation. Instead he froze in place, not kissing her back, not putting his hands on her body, just sitting there. Like a fish, she thought sadly and slowly straightened.
“Enough?” he asked.
At first she thought he was being sarcastic and punishing her, but then she remembered this was Joel and that wasn’t his style.
“Thank you,” she whispered. Sadness swept through her and she knew tears weren’t far behind.
“It’s better this way,” he said kindly. “We really should wait.”
“I know,” she said as she collected her purse and opened the car door. “Good night.”
She stood on the porch and watched him drive away. What had seemed so right for so long now felt very wrong.
It wasn’t that she objected to waiting to make love. She thought it was important to choose one’s partners carefully. Given the choice, she would rather just have one lover for her whole life. But she wanted passion in addition to affection and respect. Was that so wrong?
She also didn’t remember talking to Joel about putting off intimacy until after marriage. From what she could recall, he’d made that decision all on his own. She wouldn’t mind so much if only she could be sure it was all going to work out when they finally did it. But she wasn’t sure. Shouldn’t they be having trouble keeping their hands off each other? Shouldn’t they be breathless and aching with desire? That’s what she’d always read about. That’s what Chloe talked about when she shared bits and pieces of her relationship with Arizona.
Cassie unlocked the front door and stepped into the silent house. Ryan had left on a light by the stairs. She moved toward it and sighed. Maybe passion wasn’t in the cards for her. Maybe she was better off settling. Joel loved her and she loved him. Maybe it was wrong to look a gift horse in the mouth.